What is cancer?

The official definition of the word is...

* the disease caused by an uncontrolled division of abnormal cells in a part of the body.

* a malignant growth or tumor resulting from the division of abnormal cells.

* a practice perceived to be evil or destructive and hard to contain or eradicate 

Nothing fun to choose from here. These are definitions I want nothing to do with, but it wants everything to do with me.  So I'm forced to sit here and give heed to this nasty thing that chose to invade my life. My reluctance is palatable. I've been here studying my foe for a while though. Just sitting back in defiance of its unwanted presence. But I'm learning. I know what it wants. My complete submission. And surrender. And destruction. Yeah... that's not happening.  You can just sit back on your disgusting little laurels and fuck right off.

See I've had a couple days to think while I was in the hospital (again). Due to a bout of nausea, etc. Yes,  this is quite an enemy, but it's not something that I will allow to defeat me. Though it will try. 

Cancer starts by robbing you of your dignity. It takes your strength, and makes you beg for normalcy. You have no appetite, and though you feel like you're eating regularly, the weight just falls off. I'm smaller than I've ever been as an adult, and it freaks me out. No doubt that I'll get smaller before this is all over due to the cancer and the chemo.

I have no pride left. I have now collapsed in public, puked uncontrollably, and been wheeled out on a stretcher while screaming, begging for it to stop as the paramedics do their best to subdue me.

And the pain. The exquisite, impermeable pain. The only thing that gets me through it is knowing that it will end at some point and that someone I love will be on the other side to hold my hand and tell me it's all going to be ok. And it will be.

What it has not, and will not take is my hope. Because that is sacred.

It cannot take the love that I have because it was given to me and it's stronger than any pain I could feel.

It can't touch my determination to beat this thing. Determination is stronger than pride.

These are the pillars and the key to my victory. 

These are the things that will not be defeated.

Facebook: July 3, 2016

Today is 2 days after my first round of chemo. I'm not gonna lie, it's sucked. There are things that they tell you about it, and there are things they leave out. It's the things they leave out that mostly suck, but I guess maybe it's better that you don't know. There's no real way to prep for it anyway. At least now I know what I'm up against. What to expect. It's a pretty big punch, but I can do this.

My ability to overcome is directly related to my love for life. That's a really huge love. I laugh every day in spite of this curse. I think humor is everything, and as long as you've got that, you should have a handle on all of it. Sometimes my family and I just hug each other and break into laughter because in the end, if you laugh, it's a reprieve, a break of sorts, an acknowledgement of "we're in this together and I love you". You take pause with each other and know that it's all going to be worth it in the end. If you just remember to laugh. 

So do me a favor this weekend as you celebrate our independence, hug someone you love, tell them, and have a big belly laugh for me. It'll be the best thing you do.

Happy 4th of July weekend!

Love and light,

~N

Facebook: July 1, 2016

Yesterday I finished my first round of chemo. It feels so good to be able to fight, instead of just laying in a hospital bed waiting for answers like some victim. I feel now, more than ever, that I have the power to conquer this evil. It's not easy, but it's progress. I am now a warrior.

Today I get to leave the hospital and go home to a new life. I'm staying with my incredible parents for a while until I'm stronger. I never thought that living with them again would be so welcome, so warm. I'm so thankful for every day that I am blessed to have them in my life. I cherish every moment of every good wish, every offer of help, and every bit of love that I receive and feel from you all. My friends, my family. My gratitude is endless and my heart is full.

Tomorrow I will plan for a future that will most certainly be beautiful after the battles, after the scars, filled with vision and appreciation for all of the experiences that I will have had along the way. My future will never be taken for granted.

Love and light

~N

________________________

Going home was bittersweet. I wanted nothing more, but I wasn't sure how to handle not having my normal life. This was reality slapping me in the face. It was really making a habit of doing so. 

Facebook: June 28, 2016

My port—AKA my third nipple

Today is my first day of chemo, today is the first day of my fight. As I prepare myself for this battle, I couldn't feel more love, confidence, support, and courage than I've ever felt in my life. On one hand, I'm emotionally overflowing with the amount of compassion and warmth I'm fortunate enough to be at the receiving end of. On the other hand, complete stoicism, because there's a part of this fight to which no emotions belong.

This day marks the start of a war that I never thought I'd have to wage, but this is why I've become the woman I am. I am strong, I am wicked, I am feisty and I've got this. Thank you all for being my army. Today is my first day of chemo, today is the first day of my fight and I will never stop fighting.

Love and light,

~ N

______________________________

This was my battle cry. 

I was answered with the most beautiful responses of support. So much love and pure goodness. I believe I have to succeed. There's no other possible outcome. 

Facebook: June 27, 2016

Hi all! I wanted to let you all know that I've figured out my best sleep times and it seems I do well to rest late night and in the morning. So I'm changing my visiting hours from 1pm-10pm. I'll love to see your smiling faces and get hugs from you, so if you so desire, I'm available during that time. Just shoot me a text and let me know.
Thanks!
~N

Facebook: June 25, 2016

I'm so incredibly moved by the love I've been shown! Thank you all for everything you do for me. Every day, every minute I fight this thing, I am fortified by the show of support and love I get from you. I hope you know I've enjoyed and appreciated all of it.

For those of you that have come to visit, it's been great to see your faces and get hugs! I'm going to ask for a little favor. As much as I love seeing everyone, I've had to create a quiet time between 1-4 every day for a siesta. I thank you guys in advance for the understanding. I just get a little worn out sometimes.

_________________________

I felt compelled to keep this and the next post in this blog because I wanted to touch on the fact that when trying to handle everything all at once, you have to remember to recharge. At this point, I was so desperate for normalcy that my visits were beginning to exhaust me.  Those first few days were excruciating . Trying to get proper pain management, control over nausea, and keep tight diabetic control was nearly impossible. Everyone was so understanding, it truly warmed my heart. 

Facebook: June 23, 2016

By now there are a few that know and a lot who are wondering, so it's time that I filled you all in. Last Wednesday I went to the emergency room at Northside hospital in a lot of pain and was admitted. Throughout the week I've been having tests done and been given a lot of answers.

I'm not the kind of person who likes to air her personal things online, so I've avoided this until now, but it's become too difficult to keep telling this story, so I thank you all for the love and concern. I feel it no matter the distance or time between us. 

There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to blurt it out. The long and short of it is that I have stage 4 colon cancer. I'm going to start chemotherapy very soon and I have a very positive outlook. I have the best doctors and the most incredible family and friends. There is no doubt in my mind that I will beat this, but it's going to take a lot of energy and time. I know I'm surrounded by amazing, loving, strong, people and I draw my strength from that knowledge every moment that I fight this thing.

 Please be patient with me because I may not be able to answer every text, phone call, message, or post, but I see them all and I feel your love and encouragement. I'll do my best to keep up communication. Soon I'm going to attempt to write a blog so I can keep you abreast of what's going on, but it may get difficult to do so. I'll let you know when that happens. Thank you again. 

Sending you all love and light. 

Naomi

____________________

This was how I made my situation known. It's definitely one of the hardest things I've ever written. I shed tears over doing it, for several reasons.

1. I had to share my vulnerability.

I like to portray myself as strong, independent, and fun. I honestly feel that I am. But this was admitting that I wasn't going to be that way for a while.

2. I don't like to publicize my personal life.

I was going against my personal rules of privacy. I'm not used to being so serious in front of a large audience.

3. I was scared.

Putting this in writing meant that it was real. I had to accept that my realty was never going to be the same again. Not only that, I had to admit it to everyone. This was the most difficult one, more than any other reason. For the raw and stinging truth that held itself bare to me.

Incredibly, the outpouring of love and support was so breathtaking that my fearful tears turned into tears of relief and strength. Every post, every picture that someone wrote gave me reserves to fight longer and harder, every message, every phone call made me feel like I had enough to fight this fight. The simple truth of love, friendship, and family gives me unlimited artillery to this day. And for this, I am eternally grateful.