Strong

Life isn't fair. If someone told you that it is, they were either lying to you, trying to protect you, or don't have a clue about reality. What is fair? It means honest, just, straightforward. Fair is the notion that you are owed something simply because you exist. Because it is the right thing. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case. And what about reality? Reality has its way. Sometimes difficult, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes so uplifting you can't help but spill happy tears. But feeling it is what makes life incredible. Knowing that you can honestly feel what is happening in your life gives you true appreciation for living it. It seems so strange that feeling such painful and difficult moments can also make you feel the exact opposite. I am not a pessimist, but I allow myself the deep, dark moments. For I know there is beauty beyond it. That feeling this means that the systematic poisoning of my body is somehow working.

Sometimes it's just too hard to stop the tears. So I let them fall. Sometimes the nausea and vomiting takes over. And the frustration. The inability to cope turns into tears streaming down my face. If I could only turn it off and know that is all going to be ok. But sometimes it's so difficult it breaks my heart over and over again. Sometimes the strength it takes is so far out of sight that my sorrow covers me like a blanket. I can do nothing but surrender. I know I can make it through, but I don't know how to not succumb to the emotion. I pray for strength. I pray for hope. I cry through the pain. Curled up into myself waiting for the next blue sky. Begging for release from this reality of mine.

I struggle with every moment to remember my identity. Who am I? Am I my disease? When can I find who I am or what I was? These dark moments are not my soul. They are part of my fight. They are not me. They are this horrid dance with reality.

"But you don't look sick".  I hear it a lot. Though I feel it through my very soul. It aches throughout my entire being. There are times that all I can do to push myself through is to cry and wipe my own tears. To hide my lowest moments so I don't hurt the ones I love. Day after day, becomes month after month. When will it end? Strength and weakness intertwine and become each other. And I wait. And I fight.  And I struggle with this beast.

Then I think about one of my dearest and oldest friends and her daughter who is also fighting for her life. Four years old with a rare autoimmune disease, on daily dialysis, and that needs a kidney transplant. Who doesn't have the maturity to understand what's happening to her. Her entire family is fighting with her. And I think to myself, if she can do it, then I can do it.

I've learned to live for the good moments. There are times when I feel mostly ok. When I have a huge smile on my face and there is love all around me. A message from my friends and family. Having lunch or having a couple of hours of music while I'm out. Dressing in costume with my dear friend who refuses to miss one chemotherapy with me. These times are incredible and beautiful. This is when I know that every difficult moment is worth it. I try to create these moments and share them whenever possible, because I'm not the only one going through this. Though I wish that no one else would ever have to.

I am constantly inspired by the love I'm surrounded with. The people I speak to and hear from. They remind me that who I am is not lost. They remember and I can see that there will be a life after this. I just need to be strong enough to make it through the next three to nine months of intensive chemotherapy. It may be more. I get encouragement from cancer survivors. They've been through this and push me to  keep going. My brother who always checks on me.  My incredible parents who have devoted themselves to me and my existence right now.  They care for me when I can't. Taking me to chemo and every other appointment that goes with my treatment. They are going through this too.

And then I heard the news. This fight is working. This trial by fire. My most recent PET scan showed progress. My cancer is beginning to recede. A little bit from everywhere. This is my patch of blue sky after 3 months of visits to hell. I'm so cautious to accept this news. It's hard to believe after hearing so much bad. But I'll take it. And I'll run with it.  And I'll keep going. Not long after I heard my news, my sweet friend's daughter found a kidney donor. They're planning the surgery now. Gorgeous little Lyla is getting her kidney from a beautiful soul.

So there is good after the pain. Sometimes in the hardest of times, a little sun shines through and reminds you of how beautiful this world can be. That the fight is worth it.

No, life isn't fair. What a myth to think it is. Though it is beautiful.

 And I'll take beautiful over fair.  All day long.

"You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have." Bob Marley