Lost and Found

Life is beautiful and precious. Something we often take for granted. We forget to slow down. Our thoughts go a million miles per hour. We wonder what and why. Which direction are we bound for? Then suddenly there is no direction, we must stand still for just a moment. And then it all stands still.  Every plan that's been made is no longer relevant. For all that exists is now and survival. That's what cancer makes you do.

I've lost my carefully cultivated and nurtured career. Being a hairdresser, a friend, a welcome ear, an artist.  The people I work on and with are now out of my every day life. I can no longer live in my home on my own. Even the man who claimed to love me left my side soon after my first chemotherapy. Though I don't blame him. It was all just too much for us. Every day is difficult. Every moment is a fight. I guess this is what it means to be brave. To face it all and stand. And still have hope and still believe in love.

And it's brave to care about me. I may make you feel  things you didn't ever want to feel. And that can be scary. So I appreciate all the love, care, and encouragement I receive. It's overwhelming and amazing. And I understand if the people in my life need distance. It can all be too serious at times.

There is another kind of bravery. From the day I was diagnosed I've had oncology nurses by my side. Their bravery is defined by the care they give. The night I was admitted when I was first told I had cancer, I cried out in pain and fear and it was a nurse who sat by my side, held my hand and listened to me while I shook and tried to comprehend my diagnosis.

In my almost 3 weeks in the hospital after my initial diagnosis, they laughed with me, cared for me, gave me my meds, made me feel like I mattered. I wasn't just a number. They visited with me and went far above and beyond what I thought was necessary. When I was broken and lost, they gave me hope. They checked on me even when I wasn't part of their rounds. Just because they cared.

Every time I go into the infusion center for my chemo, they greet me like an old friend. When the nausea and pain was too much, they held my hand and stroked my hair until the meds came and took effect.

A nurse is an unsung hero. Who never really gets the accolades they deserve. But they are always in my heart. Always by my side.  And they never give in or give up. They are some of the most amazing people I've ever had the honor of being around. And I'm full of gratitude for every moment I have with them. They make me feel this way and make all of the others they treat feel this way. Somehow. They make sure we know that we all matter. Despite the drain on themselves. What an incredible ability. People of this ilk enhance the beauty in this world and make you remember that no matter what, it's all going to be ok. Even if it isn't.

Being brave doesn't mean you're not scared. In fact, it really means facing your fear and being strong anyway. This paves the way for the gifts we receive. Life has a way of giving us things we never would have thought were gifts. I have many. The people I know and have had the pleasure to share time and space with, make me see the humanity and virtue in being. It chips away at any cynicism that might come along. It makes me believe. Who would've thought that having a curse like cancer would give me the untold gifts I've gotten. The love, the strength, the courage, and my perception. Cancer creates heartache and loss.  Loss of career, life, love. It breaks you down to your bare minimum of living. I've lost a lot. But gained so much more. It's about being brave. However that's defined.

"...People may forget what we said, people may forget what we did, but they never forget how we made them feel. Kindness is courage. Compassion is strength."  ~Paul Coelho