Lucky

It's been a while since I've written. Writing has always been an escape for me, but having been in the hospital on 3 separate occasions of 8 days each, messed me up a bit. I only had a few days in between each stay. I needed to recover from so much time there. My existence is a constant battle for" quality of life". It makes me wonder what that means anymore. When I try to deal with this cancer, I've always talked about how I've got good days and bad ones. I really live for the good days. But when I'm actually in the bad days, I try to live for the future or the memory of the good ones. The times when the pain and nausea aren't present. And when I've got good days, I live in the present. It's how I live for beauty and truthful life. So sure, there are times to live for things other than the present, but this is my formula for living right for me. I deny the cause for feeling depressed. I deny the pain and feeling sick. After my hospital stays, I realized what my coping mechanisms were. I do my best to forget what I go through. I put myself into the moments that are pure and beautiful. 

Grinch Christmas chemo

Rock bottom. I never thought I'd reach it. I'm always too busy having fun. Figuring out how to concentrate on the good in my life. But my rock bottom happened after my 24 days in the hospital, which took some time to recover from. The time I was in the hospital they did an upper endoscopy. They found severe esophagitis. It started with open sores in my mouth and all the way down my esophagus. These sores also got into my duodenum. Not to mention the pancreatitis and constant nausea and vomiting. My body was wracked with pain. When I got out, I saw Dr. El Reyes. He said that my body was acting this way because I’ve I been on chemo drugs for so long. I needed a break. He started me on the Vectibex, which was supposed to keep the cancer from spreading, and suspended the chemo cocktail.

In the past, my skin was smooth. I used good skin care lotion and always an SPF of 30-50 depending on what the sun was like and what part of my body I was trying to protect. I would tan easily and my skin was smooth. Thanks to my mother's gorgeous Korean skin, I had it easy taking care of my own. I thought that as I grew older I would get more treatments to ensure I would grow old gracefully, but now I wonder if my skin would ever feel good again. Now it's covered in what feels like tiny blisters and lots of small scabs. My skin is covered in a rash that they warned me about when I started the Vectibex. It's all over my face, neck, and chest. The hair of my eyebrows are brittle and dry. They’ve broken off close to my skin so it looks very sparse. It's painful and unsightly. Everyone at the infusion center who saw it got excited and said it was great. They encouraged me by saying that it means it’s working. Forgive me if I don't get happy about the appearance of this new side effect. It's ugly and hurts. While the other side effects that made themselves known were hidden from sight, this one was icing on a cake that I wanted nothing to do with. 

We live when we stay in blissful ignorance of our own mortality. It is amazing to only look at the wonders that exist as we fulfill the dream of happiness and laughter. But I've lived my life as well as I can. And somehow I find my laughter gurgle up in between the sorrowful moments of knowing that there will be loss one day. It's taken me a while to figure out how to allow happiness to stay with me. My life is constant chemo, pain and nausea drugs, doctor’s appointments, hospital stays. I never wonder why I don't give up though. Even a few smiles in between all of the things I go through make me want my life.

Mike and Keiran planned a benefit for me at The Music Room. I haven't smiled and laughed like that in a bit. I felt every bit of love. I've missed my friends, the ability to go out. Mike took me aside and he explained that he wanted me to feel the love. That I have been fighting so hard that he knew it must be getting difficult. And it has. I miss normal in a way that I could never truly convey and I would never want anyone to really understand. That night I looked at every face, truly felt every hug, and cancer wasn't the star of the show. Friendship and family were. Music was. Laughter was. And truth.

Stranger Things chemo

There are many truths in life. In any given moment, we can choose to give attention to any of the innumerable truths available to us. But this night the truth was love and life. It was like an electric current. It made my skin cover itself in goose bumps. Everywhere I turned was a smile. So much love. And I will cherish it . I hope that this feeling, this vibe will live past me. That somehow one day it will be talked about and bring back memories. And someone will say, "remember that night?" Or "it was so great to celebrate that night." There was so much laughter. When I had to leave because i my energy level was almost gone, I had a crew of people concerned that I needed to take uber. My beautiful, intoxicated friends worried about sober me. Again. So much love. Every time I hugged someone, it was like I could take that moment and file it away in my memories for later on. And I have.

Some might feel sorrow for my plight. And though I could lose myself in that, I won't. Instead, I'm going to spend my time considering myself lucky. My blessings are instead hidden behind this thing called cancer and all these trials. But to be able to recognize the good things in my life may just mean that i have so much it is condensed into the years I've had. I may only have a shortened life left, but maybe there will be some drug to lengthen it. Too many what ifs to pay attention to. Instead I concentrate on the concrete. Which is how incredible my life really is. It's filled with hope and beauty. And my eyes wide open. I know the possibilities. It's just much easier to revisit the ethereal friendships I somehow am lucky enough to have.  

"Courage is grace under pressure" ~ Ernest Hemingway

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