What does it mean to fight?

I've been thinking about what it means. I had this idea in my head that fighting means to get into an argument or to throw some punches.  It always seemed to be about violence or anger.  For the first time in my life I realize how outdated those thoughts are. Fighting is about using all of your mental and bodily efforts to achieve a goal. No matter the cost. It means waking up and appreciating the beauty in this world in spite of the exhaustion. It means loving despite this hateful thing trying to take over my body. It means believing, though the odds are against you, that each day is worth greeting. It also means knowing when to rest for the next battle. Sometimes that's the hardest thing to understand. I am, at times, surprised by what the fight is when it hits. Early on, it was desperation, fear, pain, nausea, and sorrow. I was filled up with thoughts of, " how could this really be me?" I had such anxiety with the thought that my body was failing me as my mind was making so many plans. It was so discordant. But I fight. Because life is  beautiful.

Fighting means having faith that it'll all be worth it in the end.

It means laughing in spite of the odds and enjoying each good, pure moment for the sake of it.

It means eating when everything tastes repulsive because that's where you get strength.

It means being a pincushion and pushing through it all with a smile on your face because it's the goal that's important, not the experience you need to endure.

It means that the life that's being threatened isn't something you're willing to give up.

It's knowing that chemo, the same thing that is breaking your heart, will save your life... and embracing it.

And I think about what it means to win. Winning doesn't mean you get to walk out of a ring with a prize belt. It means you get to live a little bit longer. And if I can have a few moments of health, then I have won. If I can inspire one person to believe in this incredible life, then I have beaten this. Winning is not some physical trophy, it's appreciation for what's real. Basking in the enchanting magic that is our existence.

If I can love a bit longer and smile a bit bigger, then it means that laughter is still prevalent in my life and that feeling is incredible! Especially when I get to share it. Then I have won.

My friends and I dressed up as superheroes for my most recent chemo. I wanted to do something nice for everyone, so we gave cookies to the nurses and  white roses to the patients. I walked up to an older blind man and held a rose out to him.
"I'm giving this to you. " I said as I placed it in his hand.
He said, "what is it?"
I said, "a white rose."
"Why?" He asked, with confusion on his face.
"Because we're all here doing this together. We might as well have a little fun." I said with a grin.
He thanked me as he accepted his rose and then he smiled. His smile was the most radiant that I've ever seen. And for just a moment, we weren't a bunch of people with cancer getting treated in a room.  We were people celebrating the simple beauty of this life. And in that moment we all won.

I still love this magnificent existence of mine. Through the agony, through the hard times. Through everything I'm going through.  Every bit of suffering, every bit of pain is worth even 5 minutes of this incredible thing called life.  And I could stand going through everything that I must for just those few moments and for the love that I hold within me and see around me. It's so worth it.