Ch-ch-ch-changes

It's only been 6 weeks since I found out I have cancer.  In those 6 weeks I have become a different person. It has been a difficult transformation that seems to have taken forever in just a moment. Six weeks after all isn't that long at all in the big scheme of things. It's amazing how a reasonable measure of time can feel like an eternity when you're waiting for an answer about a medical test or for a pain or nausea medication to take effect. Then I think about the last concert I went to or when I was out riding 50 miles on my bike with friends and it felt like it was just yesterday. None of these perceptions of time are accurate. Yet all of these things define my life. And it will never be the same.

I can't seem to explain why all of a sudden the sky is so much bluer, the clouds more beautiful, and the scent of a flower more enchanting. Mother nature seems to offer her best to me lately and I couldn't be more humbled to accept her offerings. It's as if through my fog of pain medicine, breakthrough pain, and nausea I am somehow completely clear on the beauty that this world has to offer. And I am thankful.

I've learned to appreciate the little things. Like when my dog, Jude checks on me throughout the day to make sure I'm ok. When I'm not, she let's me know she's there to show me love. She's even let me know when there's something wrong I may not have noticed. Those of you with pets will understand the subtle language of animals. Those who don't, trust me, it's magic.

I no longer feel fear. I felt it a lot in the beginning. When faced with this disease, fear is wasted energy, so I choose not to indulge in it. Why waste the energy? I do sometimes succumb to frustration, but I allow myself that. Some things you have to feel to grow, then know when to let go. So my energy is now focused upon the things that will benefit me and those around me. I have approximately 3 to 5 good hours in a day at this point. Soon I'll have more. Since I only have a finite amount now, I need to budget it and I spend it wisely.

I have opened myself up to love. That frankly makes me sound like a complete sap!  But it fuels me. So if I'm a sap, so be it. I'll take that title. It doesn't really matter. As long as it works. This love has been shown to me by the countless beautiful people who support me every day. The ones who send me messages, call me, visit, and raise money so I can keep up with my bills and I can concentrate on getting better. Even just a thought or prayer by those whose voices I'll never hear, and faces I'll never see, but whose encouragement I always feel have sent me wishes that provide strength to keep me going. And I strive every day to be worthy of such care and sweet, strong verve. My faith in humanity is alive and well because of the multitude of people who spur me on.

I also stop to treasure  the moments I occasionally experience without nausea or pain because those are the truest moments I have now and they are marvelous! Those are the moments I can see my parents aren't worried and they are happy for all of us. They can let go of the concern, even just for a short period. Those moments are the ones I can share with my friends old and new so we triumph together. After all, it's not the bad times or the hard times that define us, it's the things we take from them, the ones after them, the good ones, and the true ones that are significant. No matter the length of time, but the importance of it. All of these wondrous moments have no sense of time. They exist within my spirit. No matter when or how long they are perceived. For they are always.

"Time may change me, but I can't trace time" - David Bowie