What is cancer?

The official definition of the word is...

* the disease caused by an uncontrolled division of abnormal cells in a part of the body.

* a malignant growth or tumor resulting from the division of abnormal cells.

* a practice perceived to be evil or destructive and hard to contain or eradicate 

Nothing fun to choose from here. These are definitions I want nothing to do with, but it wants everything to do with me.  So I'm forced to sit here and give heed to this nasty thing that chose to invade my life. My reluctance is palatable. I've been here studying my foe for a while though. Just sitting back in defiance of its unwanted presence. But I'm learning. I know what it wants. My complete submission. And surrender. And destruction. Yeah... that's not happening.  You can just sit back on your disgusting little laurels and fuck right off.

See I've had a couple days to think while I was in the hospital (again). Due to a bout of nausea, etc. Yes,  this is quite an enemy, but it's not something that I will allow to defeat me. Though it will try. 

Cancer starts by robbing you of your dignity. It takes your strength, and makes you beg for normalcy. You have no appetite, and though you feel like you're eating regularly, the weight just falls off. I'm smaller than I've ever been as an adult, and it freaks me out. No doubt that I'll get smaller before this is all over due to the cancer and the chemo.

I have no pride left. I have now collapsed in public, puked uncontrollably, and been wheeled out on a stretcher while screaming, begging for it to stop as the paramedics do their best to subdue me.

And the pain. The exquisite, impermeable pain. The only thing that gets me through it is knowing that it will end at some point and that someone I love will be on the other side to hold my hand and tell me it's all going to be ok. And it will be.

What it has not, and will not take is my hope. Because that is sacred.

It cannot take the love that I have because it was given to me and it's stronger than any pain I could feel.

It can't touch my determination to beat this thing. Determination is stronger than pride.

These are the pillars and the key to my victory. 

These are the things that will not be defeated.